Every year, in the lead up to The No-Man Diet, I get a bunch of personal messages from women asking if the No Man Diet is right for them and simultaneously telling me why they don’t want to or think they shouldn’t participate in the program. The blog title I chose is a little tongue-in-cheek because this is a very personal decision, and it’s always yours to make. However, this is the third year I’ve run the program and I’ve seen enough of these messages now to address them in themes. Ironically, most of the reasons they give me are actually good reasons to do The No-Man Diet, rather than reasons not to do it.
“I’ve (already) been on a No-Man Diet for 7 years.”
When I was on my No Man Diet, a lot of women would write to me facetiously suggesting they’d been on a No-Man Diet for a month, a year or seven years, simply because they found themselves single or chronically dissatisfied with the people they were dating.
This is not a No-Man Diet. There is something very distinct about wanting to be in a relationship and not, and consciously choosing a period of time where you decide to remove the possibility of being in relationship all together.
The very act of seeking a relationship, or partner, takes up an enormous amount of heart-mind space for most women – even those who think it doesn’t. One of the most consistent comments I’ve heard from women over the years is something to the effect of: “I had no idea how much attention I was unconsciously spending on seeking a partner!”
When we choose a No Man Diet consciously, especially in the way I hold this program, we reclaim all that energy to use in ways of our conscious choice. What women in past No Man Diets have accomplished during the program is astounding! They find untapped stores of energy, creativity and life force that were tied up in their habitual patterns of relating.
“I’ve been single for so long, what I need is to double down on dating and find the right partner.”
For women who have found themselves out of relationship longer than they want, it can be really scary to do a No-Man Diet, even just for 3 months. They’re afraid that if they’re already single, choosing a No-Man Diet will resign them to singledom forever.
The women who have participated in past No-Man Diets learn very quickly that 3 months is a drop in the bucket, and that their lives are so much wider than giving up dating for 3 months – not to mention that their lives become so much richer through the No Man Diet process! And for the women who have been single longer than they wanted to be, a very consciously chosen No Man diet ends up being the reset they need to break the cycle they’re in and actually create the relationship of their dreams.
What I’ve seen time and time again throughout the three years I’ve run this program is choosing not to be in a relationship for even a short period of time is one of the most powerful choices you can make as a woman.
“I’m in an on-again-off-again type relationship, shouldn’t I stay there and work it out?”
Many of us bounce from one relationship to the next replaying the same scenarios over and over again. The impulse to stay in the relationship you find yourself in and really work it out from that standpoint is a good one. Sometimes it’s good to stay in the relationship, rather than ejecting at the first sign of challenge and continuing to replay patterns.
However, staying in a long-term on-again-off-again dynamic points to something deeper. There are likely deep patterns that need real space to work out. We have to be willing to step completely out of the cycle, and the dynamic, without bringing in new relational dynamics, in order to fully create something new.
Choosing to take a clear and conscious break, not only from that relationship but also from dating, sex and other relationships for a period of time can be the medicine both you and the relationship needs. Honestly, this was me before my No Man Diet! My relationship needed that kind of space in order for us to truly create new ways of relating.
“The ‘One’ just showed up in my life.”
The minute you decide to do a No-Man diet someone will probably show up in your life with all the markings of being “The One” and you will wonder whether you should still participate. This happens far more frequently than people imagine.
Almost always, this is an opportunity to double-down on your devotion to yourself. The energetic blueprint we begin a relationship with becomes the foundation for your entire relationship. Not to say blueprints can’t be changed, but it’s easier to just lay down a solid energetic foundation to begin with.
Feel the energetic difference between:
“Oh my goodness, what if he’s The One? What if I let this relationship get away, and miss my opportunity forever? I should just grab it now!”
“Wow! I’m really into this person. How can I get to know them within the container of Self-Devotion I have set for myself in The No Man Diet? I have a deep faith that anyone who is The One will understand how important this process is for me. They will either still be here in 3 months, or someone else will be.”
I had this come up for me on my No Man Diet and I can say without hesitation that it was my unwavering commitment to the process that allowed my partner and I to come together in such a deep and solid way.
The role of the No Man Diet community is never to tell you what to do, but we will be a collective witness, simply to ask: “Is this is a dynamic that needs to be interrupted?” We are here to remind you that you had really good reasons for making this agreement to yourself.
“I’m 42 (or whatever age) and I want a baby.”
This goes back to the first—I’ve been single (without my baby daddy) longer than I want to be. With the utmost compassion and love, and the deepest honor to each of you who want children, this makes it very hard to truly see another person as the person they are. When this desire is the thing that’s running the show, its difficult to let that not get in the way of how you relate to men.
It’s very valuable to do a No Man Diet, or a relationship cleanse, to truly be with the part of you that longs for a baby, because every woman, whether it’s’ about wanting a baby, a partner, or multiple partners, has a part of us that really longs for something. If we are not willing to be with that part in our selves (without chronically trying to fulfill, or meet, the desire), we will constantly be looking for something or someone to fill it for us. Having a baby will also not make that longing go away. When we can be with this longing in ourselves, we free our children and our partners from the weight of our unfulfilled longing.
Again, only you can say whether a No Man Diet is right for you, but if you’ve read this far, or if you’ve been toying with the idea, it probably is.
P.S. If you’re in a relationship you LOVE, and just want some tools to support you, stay tuned for Relationship By Design.