As far as I can tell, most humans – male or female – have a hard time vulnerably asking for what they want. However, as women, I see some specific challenges around accessing and expressing our desires. What I often hear from women are things like:

‘I’m not even sure what I want!’
Or:
‘I’m not sure how to ask for what I want in a way that will be ok with {him}’
And:
‘I want {my} man to know what I want, without me having to tell him.’

To that last one:  It’s really not fair of us to put that on our men.

I will speak more to that later, but in this post and video, I want to share more about how to get in touch with what you want & then ask for it in a way {he} can metabolise.

I specifically remember one night when I was connecting with my partner. We had been affectionate throughout the evening, and we’d just finished dinner and I was wondering whether he was going to stay over or not.

My typical (or habit) response in times like that was to just wait and see what he wanted to do. But it’s in those unknown moments that I feel most anxious. I knew what I wanted: I wanted him to stay, but I didn’t want to have sex.

But I was afraid to ask for what I wanted:  What if he didn’t want to stay?  What if he thought my request was weird?  What if….? 
I’m sure you’ve all had your own versions of ‘what if…?’

And this is a moment when it’s useful to set those thoughts aside – because they will just drive you crazy & keep you from EVER asking.

So, I put my daughter to bed and went back out into the living room. I looked at him and asked, ‘hey, can I tell you want I really want?’

And he said, ‘yes.’

So I offered him my wholehearted invitation.

I let myself really want it & I shred my excitement for what I wanted – not only through my words, but through my eyes & my heart & my body. I shared that I wanted to keep making out, but that I didn’t want to have sex — and that I didn’t want to be the one holding that boundary. I asked if he would be willing to hold my boundary for me. This felt incredibly scary & vulnerable.

And….he said Yes!

Just to make sure, I checked again.

‘So even if I say I want to have sex later, I want you to be the one who says no.’

And he still said Yes!

In the experience of being together, it got tested. There was a point a where I definitely wanted to have sex, and I wondered if I could trust him to hold the structure.  But I let go & trusted and he did hold it — which allowed me to let go even more.

In the end, we had, not only an amazing physical experience, but also a beautiful experience of intimacy that came specifically from me actually asking for what I *really* wanted.

So, now:  I give you permission to ask for what you (really) want.

What is it that you truly want, and how can you ask for it in a way that makes it a real invitation?

Watch the video below for more about this particular story, as well as some tips on asking in a way he can actually metabolise & say yes to!

**I believe this applies to men & women, as well as same sex couples, and poly relationships alike.  For simplicity, I am extrapolating the teachings from my story in a female-centered, hetero-oriented way, since that is how it happened for me – not because I believe that’s the only way it can, or should, happen.

Feel free to leave any comments below and I’ll get back to you!

Love,

Kendra.

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