One of the most common complaints I hear from the people I work with around their relationships is:
“I just don’t feel met”
“None of the wo/men I meet have done as much work on themselves as I have”
“I just want….MORE”
Part of me cringes every time I hear any version of these complaints. What I want to say is this:
Give it up!
You will probably never feel fully met. And that’s OK!
The myth of being met in a relationship is a myth for three reasons:
1. It’s never going to happen: You will never be met, feel met or find the Perfect One.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, there is a part within each of us will always long for more: More closeness, more connection, more love.
There is a part of all of us that longs to be seen & heard fully. And this part will never be satisfied because this part of us actually can’t be filled by another person.
The search for a man or woman who meets you on every level is actually a way of trying to avoid feeling that part of ourselves: The part that longs for ultimate communion – with God or Spirit or The Universe or The Divine.
So If you’re waiting to be met so you don’t have to feel that part of you, then you will always be disappointed.
The sooner you can fall in love with this part of yourself, the sooner you can create that space with your partner.
The practice here is to FEEL it fully, without believing the STORY: Let your heart be broken a million times; let yourself love with wild abandon; let yourself feel the depth of your longing to be one with ALL of it. But don’t get caught up in the story of how you are feeling this way because so & so doesn’t see, or meet, you…
This brings me to point number two. On the flipside:
2. You’re always already being met.
That’s right: in some way you are, already, always being met, at the exact level you need to be.
The people you attract, you do so for a reason. And often, we unconsciously create in the people around us the exact thing we’re most afraid of.
It’s not important to know where this comes from, what’s important is acknowledging the truth of this, and beginning to ask, ‘how am I creating this?’
It’s not your fault, or anybody else’s, but you can take responsibility.
I talked to a woman the other day who realized she creates helpless men around her.
She’s dying for a man who can take care of her, and yet she felt her husband was a helpless man. She was nearly going to break up with him before realizing that the same thing had happened in her past relationship. She had this great man and he became completely helpless — she was (at least in part) creating helplessness in the men around her!
Are our partners also responsible? Of course. But if you are the one reading this, let’s start with you.
Your relationships will begin to transform the minute you ask, ‘what dynamic do I want to create here?’ Or ‘how did I create this?’ Or ‘in what way can I shift this?’
Then, ask if you are willing to do the deep, personal work it takes to shift the dynamic.
If you aren’t willing to shift anything, then it comes back to responsibility & admitting to yourself that you aren’t willing to do it.
If you aren’t willing to do the work, you can accept the dynamic as it is, or leave the relationship.
(**note: Most of us don’t think we are unwilling to do the work – we have a lot of (very valid) excuses why we can’t do the work, or why it’s actually them that needs to do the work. These are simply sneaky ways of avoiding the work and/or not being willing to do it.)
There is incredible beauty & empowerment when you are willing to say, ‘how am I creating this dynamic & in what way could I shift it?’ – before asking your partner to do anything different.
3. Be the unicorn, the Permission Giver, the One Who Goes First.
Before I go into this, I want to tell a story about my relationship with my current partner.
This was about 2 years ago – at which time, we’d been in some form of relationship for about 4 years, with different dynamics — pieces that worked and didn’t work, pieces I loved and pieces I complained about chronically.
It was probably objectively true that he was the one who was more guarded in the relationship; he was the one who was putting up walls & I was the more ‘emotionally available’ and ‘aware’ one. Certainly, everyone around us agreed with this assessment 😉
My story — and we all have them — was that he was withholding, and I didn’t want to get hurt. I also didn’t want to unleash my heart onto him & make him feel uncomfortable. I wanted to meet him where he was at, even if it meant not being true to myself.
So we broke up for 6 months and I went on a No Man Diet.
During this time, we had to find new ways of relating to each other, since sex & romantic relationship were off the table.
At the end of that 6 months we were still very drawn to each other, so we decided to explore what was between us & what we wanted to create together.
We are still together, and the ways in which I feel met now are extraordinary. This was completely impossible to the ‘me’ of two years ago!
The biggest shift that happened in our relationship was actually ME!!
When we came back together I was unwilling to withhold myself again. My commitment to myself was that I would love the people in my life (including him) as much as I actually do & I would no longer wait for them to say it was OK, before loving fully.
I was unwilling to walk on eggshells and check whether the amount of love I had to give was OK with them.
I didn’t talk to him about this. I didn’t ask if it was OK with him. I brought it – with no expectation of how he needed to respond – simply because it was what was true for me & I was willing to let the romantic relationship go if it wasn’t right for him.
I was more committed to the love between us, than to the structure of our relationship.
So I want to tell you this: stop waiting for permission.
You have permission to love every person in the world as much as you actually do.
Ask the questions you are really curious to ask. Offer praise generously. Share your heart. Be delighted to see them. Ask for the time & attention you really want.
Everybody is just dying for somebody to give them permission.
You can be the permission giver.
You could be that person, the person who brings the vulnerability, depth, softness, the slowing down of the conversation — you have all that power. Not only is it such a generous act, but you will be more fulfilled – regardless of their response – because you get to be who you are longing to be in this world.
Without waiting for anyone else to give you permission (and blaming them when they don’t).
Watch the full video here: